The female brain.

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her : Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...

I ALMOST DIED!!

Morals:
1. Think about what you wish for..
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's

The Kids Questions ......

Four year old kid named Joe is in the surgery’s waiting room with his mom when he sees a pregnant lady sitting on a bench on the opposite wall. Having nothing better to do, Joe saunters over to her and with wide eyes full of curiosity and asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

The lady calmly replies with a smile, “Because I’m having a baby.” With eyes as large as saucers, Joe asks, “Is the baby in your tummy?”

“She sure is,” replies the lady charmed by the little kid’s innocent question.

“Is it a good baby,” asks Joe with a puzzled look on his face.

“Oh, yes. I’m sure it’s a really good baby,” says the lady with good humor thinking how incredibly cute the little kid is and looking forward to what he might say next…

At this point much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, Joe asks, “Then why did you eat her?”

Kids are smarter...

9-year-old Emily was given an assignment in school to write a story on "My family's ancestors" The purpose was for the kids to understand their heritage.
In search of some answers for her assignment Emily proceeded to interview her grandmother who was not aware of the reason for Emily’s questions.

When she asked her grandmother, "Granny, where did I come from," her grandma being quite nervous about talking with a kid about such a touchy subject in the absence of her parents wanted to buy some time and replied, "Well, sweetie, the stork brought you." Hoping that the subject would be dropped until Emily's parents came back she said no more.

"So, where did Mom come from?"
"The stork brought her also."
"Well, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, sweetie."

"All right, thanks, Granny."

Emily's grandmother did not think anything more about this incident until three days later when she was tidying up and looking at Emily’s desk, read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."

A Lesson in Life.

"Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, if they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere." 

If someone hurts you, betrays you , or breaks you heart, forgive them. For they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to who you open your heart to.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either.

You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

Positive thinking quotes.

“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”

“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours”

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.”

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”

“Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.”

“The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.”

“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.”

“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

“Positive anything is better than negative nothing.”

Three Wish...

Once upon a wish…

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a “genie”. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works”. “You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS agent.”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and It
looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

Bill's Birthday.

A man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff. His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday. "Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill replied. So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch. Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro. " My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked. "Sure, why not?" Bill replied. At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom. Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers. Bill just sat there... naked.

Sperm count.

A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down, tired all the time. The doctor said I will give a shot of vitamins, a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore, and an empty jar for checking your sperm count - bring it back in next week so I can check it. When the guy came back to the doctor, the doctor said "Why, this jar is empty, I told you I needed to do a sperm count." The guy said, "I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand and she also tried with her right hand, she even tried with her teeth. We could not get that jar open!"

A Taxi Driver.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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A CUTE LOVE STORY.

A BOY HAD CANCER AND HE HAD ONE MONTH TO LIVE.

HE LIKED A GIRL WORKING IN A CD SHOP VERY MUCH.

BUT HE DID NOT TOLD HER ABOUT HIS LOVE.

EVERYDAY HE WENT TO THE CD SHOP AND BOUGHT A CD ONLY TO TALK TO HER.

AFTER A MONTH HE DIED.

WHEN THE GIRL WENT HIS HOME AND ASKED ABOUT HIM, HIS MOM TOLD THAT HE

DIED AND TOOK HER TO HIS ROOM.....................................

SHE SAW ALL THE CD'S UNOPENED ...............

THE GIRL CRIED N CRIED AND  FINALLY DIED.

YOU KNOW Y SHE CRIED?

BECAUSE SHE HAD KEPT HER OWN LOVE LETTERS INSIDE THE CD PACKS.SHE ALSO LOVED HIM.............